Davide Butson-Fiori

28 days and still counting

That's 235 feedings, and nearly as many diaper changes. I am proud to say ony about a dozen of those feeds and changes were done by others, I am a bit selfish when it comes to Evie. But now that I am back home in Hong Kong I will let others have their turn, Thomas for one has taken to Evie just as a proud Papa should. I arrived home in Hong Kong last Thursday just over three weeks (24 days) of staying in India, it was a wonderful and tiring experience. It started with the birth, a wonderful joyous day in my life. Then came the week in the hospital, after Evie was born three weeks premature it was necessary for me to be in the hospital until she put on some weight and was strong enough to go home.

I then searched for a place for Evie and I to bond and to spend the next couple of weeks before heading home, this included looking at serviced apartments and Hotels that were put forth as options to my co habitating with little Evie. The serviced apartmets were too big, they were also intended for larger families and those comfortable with sharing with other families going through the same thing. Neither of which were Evie and I, it also included a nanny and someone to cook your meals. I felt confident enough not to have a nanny, and I wasn't particularly fond of curry and spice every night and day.

I looked at a few Hotels, and decided to go with the Marriot, for many reasons, one is that it included two meals a day and they had an espresso machine (mmmm). The package also included laundry and the room was very private, this was important to me. I wanted a place for me and Evie to bond alone with little to no interuptions, this was just perfect, we spent the next couple of weeks side by side 24/7.

The two of us had to venture out a few times, doctor visits, passport and visa appts, a challenge to be sure, or so I thought. The first of these visits was the passport office for our DNA test, we had to make sure that she was mine of course. It was a simple procedure of the both of us having our cheeks swabbed with a large Q-tip, Evie slept through the procedure. This is a recurring event with Evie, she sleeps through just about everything. If she does wake up its just to have a look with what is going on and then the eyes close and the arms and legs go limp, they call this the surrender position, it looks as if someone is saying "reach for the sky little lady and give me your pacifier". The only difference is, Evie surrenders and then like a narcaleptic closers her eyes and off to dreamland she goes.

We had to wait another week for the DNA test to head back to the USA and get tested by the same people that do Maury Povitch's and Jenny Jones's guests, although I am a little less white trash then them yahoo's. I am not really sure if it is the same company that does the aformentioned show hosts work, but it makes for a good story. Once the results came in we were able to apply for our US Passport, however I really don't think it was really needed. Holding Evie up to my face was like looking in a Mini Me Mirror, it is really something to be able to look into a little life and see your face staring back at you. Her skin is a little bit better then mine I must say, and she is not at all as hairy as her dad. This was something I had in my mind, but luckily she is arm and back hair free. Woo hoo.

Evie and I followed the same routine as we did the week before, I bundled her in her car seat and belted her in place. The car and drive was the same one we had been using the past week, the drivers name was Kaja and he was very sweet and also a loving father. His driving was very good, it was the driving of others that drove me to hair pulling (my own that is). The streets of India are chaos to say the least, with cars, tuk tuk's (three wheeled taxi's), motorcycles (some of which had entire families of five riding pearched carefully not to fall). I was in awe as some women on the back of these two wheelers were carrying there new borns, I was freaking out that my car seat wasn't safe enough even though it was cacooned within a large SUV.

With a lot of patience on Kaja's part and enough honking to make sure everyone within ear shot will part ways for our Baby carrying SUV to carefully glide through the busy streets, to tell you the truth the honking was driving me a little crazy. I again grabbed as much hair on my scalp as I could and began to pull until the pain took over my worry about the honking and the traffic, we arrived at the Passport office for another meeting to actually get Evie's Emergency passport, it was an Emergency because I wanted to get home asap. And I was all alone, it was more about sharing the experience instead of having others help (there is that selfish Daddy part of me again).

The consulate called and said I would need to get down there by 4pm if I was to get the passport that day, I needed it this day, because if it didnt come today I would have to wait another day and it would put my schedule off another week. Did I mention it was 3:30pm when they called? I never moved so fast, I put Evie in her car seat and grabbed everything I thought I needed and threw them into her Diaper bag. I was only going to be gone for about an hour so I didn't bring her bottle, she had just been fed anyway.

It was a hot day that day, another dry 36 degree's. Evie didn't seem to mind, she just slept. I made it to the appointment and everything was fine, I took my seat and looked down at Evie and she was sleeping beautifully. The consulate was a beautiful building, a throwback to the English presence. The ceilings were extremely high, you could see the modernisation with the ducts of air conditioning and indoor plumbing hanging overhead. The new metal sculpture above didn't detract to what was once a simpler time, something that you see all over India, although not all buildings were saved or upkept as well as this one.

I heard my name called, I approached the window with the excitement of having my daughters passport in my hand, another document proving she exists. It wasn't to be just then, they told me that the computer was down and wouldn't be up until 5pm. They said I could come back the next day or wait, I of course decided to wait. At 5:30pm Evie began to cry, it was feeding time. I did my best to quite her, I held her I sang to her (that is why she probably continued to cry). She finally started to quite and my name was called again and the passport was handed to me, fantastic I thought, just one more process till we get home. I picked up Evie and headed home to wait for our next adventure, it was to be a meeting with the Indian Visa office.

To be continued...

Six days and counting.

It's been 52 feedings and six days in the life of Evelyn Anne, she has gone from losing weight the first day to gaining weight each day after. We were in the hospital for the first five days until she gained weight steadily, it was so nice to finally move into a hotel. I was getting tired of the dark room that was the hospital, although the staff was brilliant and they took good care of Evie. They were all impressed with my ability to take care of Evie, to tell you the truth so was I. I decided to forgoe a nanny for the remainder of my stay, although an hour and a half each day I head out to the gym and one of the SA girls (Uma, Vandana, Omana and Kovita) take watch and have been my guardian angels this past week.

Evie is still smaller then I had expected, but so much more then I expected. Firstly, the feedings, every two hours and when I am lucky she sleeps for three hours now. She eats slowly most times, taking nearly an hour to down 30-50ml. If she does stay asleep for three hours her feeding goes much quicker, and her formula ends up on her instead of in her if she gets too far ahead of herself.

Secondly, the diaper gifts have gone from a black sludge to a yellow mousse looking mess, this comes usually while I am feeding her. It also comes with some of the cutest faces I have ever seen, I never really thought of this when I was dreaming of having a child. It still amazes me that she is mine, it is so unbelieveable really.

Born May 10, 2011

 

Welcome to the world, my Daughter: Evelyn Anne Jai Butson-Fiori at 10:20 am May 10th. She weighed 2,365 grams or just over five pounds. Evie is the tiniest little thing I have ever seen, so delicate and so lovely. It is amazing how much my life has changed these past 24 hours, it was just 36 hours ago I was trying to fall asleep.

It was Monday evening, I had just had my dinner with Dr. Samit (who would be the one to deliver Evie) and his collegues Anjani and Sai. I returned to my hotel room and began going about my routine, flossing, brushing my teeth and washing my face. I then retired to the bed and made a few last minute skypes to Thomas and attempted to reach a few others. I proceeded to watch T.V. to make the time go by and make me a bit sleepy, they were running a repeat of a Family Guy, Ironic as I would soon become a family guy. I just hope I am not as moronic as Peter and my child won't end up like the unloved and unwanted Meg. No chance of that happening with Evie, I then shut the T.V. off and went to sleep.

I hadn't been feeling well during the day, I had burning heart burn and just thought it was the spicy food and the few too many espresso's. I took some medication and that didn't help, I still managed to fall asleep. However at 5:22am to be precise I awoke with the worst headache and indegestion I have had in a long time. I drank some water to put out the fire that was in my stomach and in my throat, and took an asprin to aleviate my throbbing headache. I tried in vain to drift off, finally around 6:30 I fell asleep and my headache had been reduced to a dull pound.

The alarm went off at 7:30 am, just an hour after my fitfull fall to a very short rest. Even though I new it was a very important day I hit the snooze, ten minutes later the alarm went off and I sprang outta bed in a panic because at that very moment the alarm went off I was dreaming of missing my daughters birth. I jumped out of bed so fast and was so paniked that my head started its deep bass pounding, I took another asprin and jumped in a very warm shower.

With all that was going on I was relatively calm, I went downstairs and had breakfast and an espresso. The coffee had a very soothing effect on my headache, It might have been because my regular six shots a day had been reduced to two. And that my friend, wasn't cutting it for this caffeine addict, something that I should cut back on now that I have a child.

I then went back upstairs, made sure I had my camera and a shirt that would easily come off so I can have my new born child on my chest as soon as possible. The bonding of a father is very important to a new born, especially when there is no mother to be breastfeeding. I wanted my child to smell my scent, and feel the warmth of my flesh so that she will feel connected to someone.

Once I had all the essentials I made my way down to the lobby to await my ride to the hospital, I waited and it was getting closer to ten o'clock and I was getting nervous. I called the driver and he said he was two minutes away, once he arrived i asked him to go as fast as he could. It's India, so you could imagine the traffic, it seems as if they have no laws when it comes to the streets. Or no one abides by them, they don't even have lines in the road, everyone: car, person, tuk tuk, bike and motorcyle jockies for the best position and honks to make sure no one collides into each other.

We arrived at the hospital and I ran upstairs to the third floor to the operating room, as I turned the corner the doctor was coming out of the operating room and he said with that calm smile Dr. Samit always has: "Congratulations Davide, you have a baby girl." I was in shock, and speechless. I watched as they cleaned, outside and inside my very little girl. The nurses obviously had done this before, Evie was handled expertly from side to side, upside down, upright and a myriad of other positions. Suction, needles, clamping and trimming (umbilical cord) It was like a well rehearsed puppet show, and Evie was the delicate marionette.

After getting over the shock, each moment passed like an eternity, and each moment that passed the depth of what was taking place was hitting me. Slowly at first and then when she was in my arms the enormity of what was my future and my responsibility started to make appearances in the video I was forming in my mind to play back at a later date. I tried to be present to her, to the precious gift that was breathing and sighing on my chest. I started to edit the video in my mind with a voice over saying, "she is so small", "I hope I can do this".

It wasn't until they asked me if I wanted to give her the first feed of her life that all that editing and re-writing of my precious minds-eye memory video vanished, I just took Evie in my hands, sat her up and introduced a bottle to her lips. As soon as she began to drink, I said "I got this".

It's been exactly 12 feeds later, 9 diaper changes and I am elated. I do have this, I have no idea how it came about. I have never changed a diaper in my life, I have never fed a child in my life. But I got this and I got it good. She is amazing, I have to wake her up for feedings or she would just sleep. If she does cry, I pick her up and it stops. Her cries are musical, I am serious, they are looked forward to not like the cries you wish would stop when flying 30,000 feet in the air on a 12 hour flight cries. This is beyond what I would have expected, I have to say I didn't cry when I first held her. I only cried when she woke me up at 3:30am and I picked her up and she stopped and looked up at me and then slowly closed her eyes again as if to say "great, I was wondering where you were".

I am still scared outta my mind I might break her, do the wrong thing or just plain screw it all up. But I love this tiny little girl, more than I could ever imagined.

....I GOT THIS!

Everything is possible

I am now lying on my bed in a hotel in Hyderabad, India, it's midnight and in just 10 hours I will be holding a newborn child in my arms. The most amazing thing is that it will be my biological child, a gift I thought I would never have. I know I keep saying this but I didn't have much going for me, I am gay, I was a single man, I had no uterus, I was over forty and, and, and. So many reasons that I thought I could never have a child, however, there was this word I have come to love and to cherish...Possibility.

Everything is possible, I have heard that many times in my life. Did I truly believe it? I don't think I did, it may have been my adolescent insecurities, my upbringing or Greg Eaton and his constant bullying. It could have been a lot of things. When I truly understood the power of this word, my world shifted, it changed, I changed. The first thing I did when I learned the power of possiblility was to quit smoking, then it was to become a triathlete, move to Japan, become a trainer, start my own business and then having my own child.

All of these things were created by me and that little word possibility, as soon as I understood there was possibility in everything I just started looking into the possibility. It is the actually doing that creates possibility, if there is something you truly want and you start to make it happen it will generally happen. So remember there is no possibility if you don't believe it is possible. So believe, it is. Look at me, Im going to be a dad in ten hours.

If there is something you want, go out there and get it.

The time has come

This morning I awoke to my iphone ringing at 7:30am, as I usually do I hit the snooze. The second time it rang I thought maybe I need to get this day started, so I got up and got myself ready. This was the day I had been looking forward to, this was the day to meet with the doctor to get briefed on the condition of the surrogate and my child.

During breakfast I ran into Benhur (Surrogacy Abroad), it was great to catch up with the man who helped me to this point in my journey. It was a brief meeting as he was off to help another intended in another part of the world. I left the restaurant and met Ben's team in the lobby, they then took me for a coffee, a much needed shot of espresso to get my heart racing even faster then it already was. After the black elixir we made our way to Kiran Infertility Center to meet with Dr. Samit, I arrived at the clinic and was asked to sit in the doctors office and await his arrival.

I sat there making sure my iphone was off, the sign in the waiting room clearly stated to turn of your ringer. After making sure that was done I looked for a pen and pad of paper, I thought this might be a good idea as I may need to take some notes. Dr. Samit arrived with his usual calm smile and handsome good looks in scrubs, as he sat down at the desk I looked just over his shoulder at the images in picture frames of his mother and the team that will be bringing my child into this world.

As I was thinking of the people involved Dr. Samit started to speak, he said, "Your arrival is in perfect timing, the surrogate started to dialate and the C-section is scheduled for 10am tomorrow morning". I started to speak before really hearing what he said, I thought that it was a preface before he told me what was up with the surrogate or some other formality. However I was wrong, it was his calm delivery that threw me. But then there was that handsome smile followed by eye contact that it sunk in,"I am having a child tommorrow morning? I said. I guess I won't need to take any notes, I put the pencil and paper back in my bag wihout even thinking.

There it is, without fanfare, without fireworks. Just a very calm Dr. saying a few words like he says them everyday of his life. "We have scheduled the C-section for 10am tomorrow" Wow, May 10th a child will be born to me, David Butson...a dad...tomorrow. So there it is everyone, I am going to be a dad at 10ish on May 10th, 2011. Forever changing my life and Thomas's life, a family, finally. Thank God, the time has come.

 

Dr. Samit from Kiran Infertility Clinic, and the Dad to be

India Bound, Father-to-be

I left Hong Kong yesterday at 2pm, I arrived in India at 10pm. The day started 3.5 years ago with a life long desire for a child of my own, a signed contract and my first visit to India on this journey. Since that first trip, I have seen six attempts and two miscarriages. This trip is to see the birth of my child and to bring him/her home, this is the next chapter in my journey.

The day started out like most days these days, I awoke next to the best thing to ever happen to me before the birth of my child. His name is Thomas, i met him ironically nearly nine months ago. I now have someone to share and complete my dream family, I never thought I would have both. I really can not believe my blessing at this moment, I feel something or someone has had this plan for me all along.

I can also add to this new friends and old friends that also make me pinch myself knowing that they are part of my life, the only thing that would make this better would be having my mother here to share it with.

I digress, I awoke to another lovely morning, with Thomas making pancakes and a very large iced latte. Who could ask for anything more? However there was something very different, it was the morning I had been waiting for what seems like a lifetime. Some people say that the closer it gets to the birthdate it gets faster and faster, I have not had this welcomed feeling. The time has slowed down so much that it actually felt like time was reversing, there were a number of times I checked the clock and it read as if an hour passed but only 10 minutes went by. I am still waiting for the time to spead up, but for the first time I have slowed down to think about what is happening to me.

I have been wanting a child for a very long time, I have thought of all the wonderful things I will feel and we will do. However this morning is the first time I had a dream of the other reality, my life will change forever from what it was. I will no longer be traveling by myself, a walk through the airport alone after Tom and Steve saw me off brought this straight home to me.

I am ahead of myself here, let's go back to the apartment before I head of to the airport. After a great breakfast, I made sure I was all packed. I checked all the baby stuff I needed to pack, this was a lot of fun. All the little tiny clothing and blankets etc. gifts from friends and hours of shopping for what I thought this little one will need when we first meet. Then it was time for packing my things, this was not as exciting, actually I didn't put too much thought into what I was wearing this trip. It was all about room for the baby stuff, so I brought t-shirts, jeans and needed under things. I definately am not going to be a fashion plate in India, it's all about the baby not his/her daddy.

With everthing packed, Thomas and I took a last look at the house and my garden. Everthing was a bloom, it is spring afterall but what a metaphor for my trip and this very speacial time in both Thomas's and my life. We descended the stairs and dragged the bags down the street in search of a cab, alas, there was not a cab to be found. There were people lining the streets on both sides with their arms in the air, with nothing noticing or stopping.

I was not going to miss this plane or let anythig stop me from getting on this train on time, so we did a walk to an area I was sure to find a taxi. As we arrived two blocks from the house and at the beginning of our street there was a cab and we flagged him down and he stops. As I bent down to pick up my bag, I looked up to see a big westerner asking if he could share our cab, he figured from our bags that we were heading to the airport. I said of course, hop in. I tell the cab driver of our destination and the taxi share guy ask me of my destination. I told him where and why I was heading and he thought it was an amazing story, it turns out that he works with CNN and thinks this would make an interesting story. Little does he know this is not your average story to having a child or surrogacy for that matter, this is just one more footnote to an already page turner that is my story.

I arrive to the airport check-in and there is my dear friend and brther from another mother Stephen B., this person is much more than a foot note to this story and my life. Briefly, this person came into my life jogging past me one morning while I was teaching a class, a year later he is my business partner and a very dear friend that I am happy to call my brother. He also has a son named Abe that was born exactly one year ago this Sunday the 15th of May. Stephen also comes with a wonderful wife named Coria, that also means so much to me and my soon to be family. I have already spent hours dreaming of our familes spending a lot of time together and watching our children grow-up side by side.

Needless to say it was awesome to have my two very special people see me off at the airport, it was the last time they will see me without someone in my arms or by my side that will call me Dad. I get to the airport, and say good-bye to Thomas and to Stephen and make my way to the gate. This is where I started to think of my old life, as I walked to the gate I thought this is the last time I will walk to a gate in an airport alone without that person by my side calling me Dad.

I arrived late at night, checked into the hotel and fell asleep. Just as I was drifting off I began to think that this was also one of the last times I would go to sleep without having too much to worry about other then when I should get up to go to breakfast and the gym. That is when I started to think, I am going to need to wake up every few hours to attend to my child. MY CHILD, that will be something I will be thinking of every moment of my life in very short time. Feedings, nightmares, wet beds, bullies, quizes, dating, teens, the list is endless, but so are the joyful times.

Everyone has said how wonderful my life will be after I have a child, but everyone also adds to this statement that it is something I will never be prepared for and your life will forever be changed. So there it is, I am thinking of the good, the bad and the unexpected, but all I have to say is bring it on. Luckily I have wonderful people in my life like my boyfriend and my BFF Stephen B and his family that will help me out when I need it. My sister Kimberly is also an angel that will be coming to Hong Kong to help her little brother handle the first few months as a Daddy, my sister has had experience bringing four children into the world and also loving two gran children. I could not ask for a more loving bunch of people to make sure that I get this right.

I will be here in India until maybe mid-June, the baby is due on May 21st. I will continue to write more here on this blog, there is so much to say and so little time before it all changes now. Only two weeks to go until my life for the past 47 years will change for ever and for the good. Thanks again for all your support and your kind words, I hope for you all the joy in your life that I am experiencing right now.

Thomas see's me off at the airport, on my way to India.

IT'S OFFICIAL

I have been very hesitant in writing this post, so many of my other posts became a sad reminder of what might have been. I also had so many people saying to me, "don't buy anything untill... don't tell anyone until....

Some of those until dates were at the 12 week mark fo gestation, some felt this was a good time to acknowledge a pregnancy. Others said wait until 20 weeks, and even some said wait till the 22nd week. Well here I am at 24 weeks this Tuesday and it is official, I am having a child. The due date is going to be May 31st, 2011.

I can't believe it is really happening this time, it's been nearly four years since I signed a contract and began this process. Six attempts, two miscarriages and ten's of thousands of dollars (money well spent). So it is OFFICIAL, I am going to be a father. I marked the occasion of the 22nd week to go out and by a few things, first it was just a teddy bear. Then it was some sheets, a onesie, then a comforter. And today the room is nearly complete, with crib, lighting, art, a theme and a toy chest. I will post pics soon, of the room and of the current babies room (an ultrasound. I have had a few ultrasounds sent to me, however it is very difficult to distinguish the little person. In the next couple of days I will receive my first 4D scan, I am very excited for this.

The image above is the baby at 19 weeks, I can't believe it's really mine. I will post next the names of the little one, a fitting tribute to my Mother.

Speak soon, so much to talk about. 

IM PREGNANT, AND MY MOTHER PASSES ON

I wasn't sure if I would post this so soon but here I am, the surrogate became pregnant and the two tests this week confimed it. I will now wait for ten days to see how the pregnancy is going, after that I will wait for the all important three month mark. If all goes well I am looking at a estimated delivery date of June 9th, please include this child in your prayers.

There have been a lot of things happening lately, I've started my own business which is much more work then I thought but am very grateful that it is going well, on a sad note I lost my mother last month.

The death of my mother was a reminder of the kind of relationship I want to pass on to a child, the things my mother instilled in me I hope to do the same. My mother was a remarkable woman, cut down too early in life. Ten years ago she had a massive aneurism that left her bed ridden and unable to care for herself, this is where two other people in our family stepped up for the challenge. I've talked a lot about my mother recently, but not much of my brother and sister.

I have been in Asia these past ten years and have not been where my brother and sister have been, they were the true hero's these past ten years. My sister (Kimmy) who cared daily for my mother and my brother who kept my mothers affairs in order. Joey (my brother) took on the task of making sure all the bills were paid, dealt with insurance, the lawyers and everything that goes with it. It has been a toll on him and his family and my heart goes out to him, Kimmy (my sister) had the responsibility of my mother and her declining health, she rose to the challenge more then one would expect. She moved her entire family into a home that was barely room for four let alone for six, Kimmy has been met with a lot of challenges within and outside our home, I am not quite sure how she endured all this time but managed to make it through it all with four beautiful children and a grandchild. My mother has passed on but her legacy of three children that loved and cared for her will last our lifetime,  hopefully we will all be able to pass this legacy on to our children.

I love my brother and sister and thank them for caring for my loving Mother, I am sure she holds a special place in her heart for them. I know I do.

No Pregnancy, and I wait

On August 12th I found out that the IVF was not successful and there is no pregnancy this time around,  I will have to wait another 30 days until we do it again. This is the 5th attempt and definitely not the last, I am hanging in there however it is harder and harder to deal with the time. But I must say there was less emotion when I heard I wasn't pregnant, I guess after hearing over and over the bad news you just become used to it. I wanted to be down and emotional, but instead a little voice in my head just said clearly, "we will just try again".

And now like I have said so many times before, it is now just a waiting game until next time. But as I wait I hear more and more about friends having babies and getting pregnant, just yesterday I read that Neil Patrick Harris and his partner are expecting twins. I gotta say it's great to hear of their impending parenthood, and at the same time a twinge of jealousy and sadness. But again, the voice in my head says "we will try again, it's just a matter of time". And I sit back and busy myself and wait, wait until the moment that I am holding my child in my arms.

New beginnings

The process to me becoming a father began again on Wednesday July 28th, four embryo's were implanted in the Surrogate for my fifth attempt. The week started with great news, twenty eggs were retrieved from the egg donor and fertilized with my sperm. And Wednesday the implanting and the remaining 14 were frozen for future use, hopefully these will not be needed until a second child is needed to complete my family.

I hesitated this time starting at the beginning of this process, choosing the donor, waiting for the donor to be ready for retrieval etc. I have been apprehensive about moving too fast into the future with hope and excitement, however the need to share is still there and here I am telling all of you about this New Beginning.

Please say a prayer and keep me in your thoughts, a test to determine a pregnancy will be near the 14th of August. A post here on my blog will be forthwith as soon as I hear something, until then, stay tuned.

All my love,

Davide